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 - Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche -
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.    Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like twinkies, coke and
palate scorching Szechwan food.


.    Real Programmers don't write applications programs. They program
right down on the bare metal. Applications programming is for the
dullards who can't do systems programming.


.    Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for
whatever they get: they are lucky to get any programs at all.


.    Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write,
it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.


.    Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons
who can't read listings or the object code from the dump.


.    Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are (after all)
the illeterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at
how much good it did for them.


.    Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference manual
is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.


.    Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits
who maintain ancient payroll programs.


.    Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for common business
oriented laymen who can't run a business nor a real program.


.    Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp
engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state
analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.


.    Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal
retentives who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.


.    Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmer
writes in BASIC after reaching puberty.


.    Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can
be written on one line.


.    Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain
more parenthesis than actual code.


.    Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those
other sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is the crutch for
people with weak minds.


.    Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if
you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in
"only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.


.    Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are
around at 9:00 am, its because they were up all night.


.    Real programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which
requires a change of clothes. Mountain Climbing is okay, and real
programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should
suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. (This has actually
happened)


.    Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
programming is for compulsive neurotics who were permanently toilet
trained. they wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an
otherwise clear desk.


.    Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless,
of course they are the chief programmer.


.    Real Programmers never write memos on paper. They send memos via
computer mail networks.


.    Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary
evil. They exist only to deal with personal bozos, bean counters, senoir
planners, and other mental defectives.


.    Real Programmers score floating point arithmetic. The decimal point
was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big".


.    Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer
BMW's, Lincolns, or pick up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles
are highly regarded.


.    Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up
schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to
meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules. (AMEN!)


.    Real Programmers like vending machine popcorn (only when its sold
out of twinkies -Ed). Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real
Programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell which jobs
are running by listening to the rate of the popping.


.    Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use
them in every real program. Candyass architects won't allow execute
instructions to address another execute instruction as the target
instruction. Real Programmers despise petty restrictions. (Ed. note: You
are a real programmer if you understand this one)


.    Real Programmers don't bring brown bag lunches. If the vending
machine sells it, thet eat it. If the vending maching doesn't sell it,
they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.

