The Grecian Camp. Before Achilles' Tent.
 Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS.

Achilles	I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine tonight,
	Which with my scimitar I'll cool tomorrow.
	Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.

                             Enter THERSITES.

Patroclus	Here comes Thersites.

Achilles							How now, thou core of envy!
	Thou crusty botch of nature, what's the news?

Thersites	Why, thou picture of what thou seem'st, and idol of idiot-
	worshippers, here's a letter for thee.

Achilles	From whence, fragment?

Thersites	Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.

Patroclus	Who keeps the tent now?

Thersites	The surgeon's box or the patient's wound.

Patroclus	Well said, adversity! And what need these tricks?

Thersites	Prithee be silent, boy, I profit not by thy talk; thou art 
	thought to be Achilles' male varlet.

Patroclus	Male varlet, you rogue? What's that?

Thersites	Why, his masculine whore. Now the rotten diseases of the 
	south, guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs, loads o'gravel 
	i'th' back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten 
	livers, whissing lungs, bladders full of impostume, 
	sciaticas, limekilns i'th' palm, incurable bone-ache, and 
	the rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take again 
	such preposterous discoveries!

Patroclus	Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou, what mean'st thou to 
	curse thus?

Thersites	Do I curse thee?

Patroclus	Why, no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson indistinguishable 
	cur.

Thersites	No? Why art thou then exasperate, thou idle immaterial skein 
	of sleave silk, thou green sarsenet flap for a sore eye, 
	thou tassel of a prodigal's purse, thou? Ah, how the poor 
	world is pestered with such water-flies, diminutives of 
	nature!

Patroclus	Out, gall!

Thersites	Finch egg!

Achilles	My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
	From my great purpose in tomorrow's battle.
	Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
	A token from her daughter, my fair love,
	Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
	An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.
	Fall, Greeks; fail, fame; honour, or go or stay-
	My major vow lies here, this I'll obey.
	Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent;
	This night in banqueting must all be spent.
	Away, Patroclus!
											[Exeunt ACHILLES and PATROCLUS.

Thersites	With too much blood and too little brain these two may run 
	mad; but if with too much brain and too little blood they 
	do, I'll be a curer of madmen. Here's Agamemnon, an honest 
	fellow enough, and one that loves quails, but he has not so 
	much brain as earwax; and the goodly transformation of 
	Jupiter there, his brother, the bull, the primitive statue 
	and oblique memorial of cuckolds, a thrifty shoeing-horn in 
	a chain hanging at his brother's leg - to what form but that 
	he is should wit larded with malice and malice forced with 
	wit turn him to? To an ass were nothing: he is both ass and 
	ox; to an ox were nothing: he is both ox and ass. To be a 
	dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an owl, a 
	puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would not care; but 
	to be Menelaus I would conspire against destiny. Ask me not 
	what I would be if I were not Thersites, for I care not to 
	be the louse of a lazar so I were not Menelaus. Hoyday! 
	Spirits and fires!

         Enter HECTOR, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, TROILUS,
                     MENELAUS, DIOMEDES, with lights.

Agamemnon	We go wrong, we go wrong.

Ajax								No, yonder 'tis;
	There, where we see the lights.

Hector										I trouble you.

Ajax	No, not a whit.

                             Enter ACHILLES.

Ulysses					Here comes himself to guide you.

Achilles	Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all.

Agamemnon	So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night.
	Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.

Hector	Thanks, and good night to the Greeks' general.

Menelaus	Good night, my lord.

Hector							Good night, sweet Lord Menelaus.

Thersites	[Aside.] Sweet draught! 'Sweet' quoth a'? - sweet sink, 
	sweet sewer.

Achilles	Good night and welcome both at once, to those
	That go or tarry.

Agamemnon	Good night.
											[Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS.

Achilles	Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
	Keep Hector company an hour or two.

Diomedes	I cannot, lord; I have important business,
	The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.

Hector	Give me your hand.

Ulysses	[Aside to TROILUS.]
	Follow his torch; he goes to Calchas' tent;
	I'll keep you company.

Troilus			[Aside to ULYSSES.] Sweet sir, you honour me.

Hector	And so good night.
												[Exit DIOMEDES; followed by
												ULYSSES and TROILUS.

Achilles						Come, come, enter my tent.
												[Exeunt all but THERSITES.

Thersites	That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust 
	knave. I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a 
	serpent when he hisses. He will spend his mouth and promise, 
	like Brabbler the hound; but when he performs, astronomers 
	foretell it that it is prodigious, there will come some 
	change. The sun borrows of the moon when Diomed keeps his 
	word. I will rather leave to see Hector than not to dog him. 
	They say he keeps a Trojan drab, and uses the traitor 
	Calchas his tent. I'll after. - Nothing but lechery! All 
	incontinent varlets!
												[Exit.
