The Grecian Camp. Before Achilles' Tent.
 Enter THERSITES solus.

Thersites	How now, Thersites! What, lost in the labyrinth of thy fury? 
	Shall the elephant Ajax carry it thus? He beats me, and I 
	rail at him - O worthy satisfaction! Would it were 
	otherwise: that I could beat him whilst he railed at me. 
	'Sfoot, I'll learn to conjure and raise devils but I'll see 
	some issue of my spiteful execrations. Then there's Achilles 
	- a rare engineer! If Troy be not taken till these two 
	undermine it, the walls will stand till they fall of 
	themselves. O thou great thunder-darter of Olympus, forget 
	that thou art Jove the king of gods; and Mercury, lose all 
	the serpentine craft of thy caduceus if thou take not that 
	little little less than little wit from them that they have; 
	which short-armed ignorance itself knows is so abundant 
	scarce it will not in circumvention deliver a fly from a 
	spider without drawing their massy irons and cutting the 
	web. After this, the vengeance on the whole camp - or rather 
	the Neapolitan bone-ache, for that methinks is the curse 
	dependent on those that war for a placket. I have said my 
	prayers, and devil Envy say 'Amen'. What ho! My Lord 
	Achilles!

                             Enter PATROCLUS.

Patroclus	Who's there? Thersites? Good Thersites, come in and rail.

Thersites	If I could have remembered a gilt counterfeit, thou wouldst 
	not have slipped out of my contemplation; but it is no 
	matter - thyself upon thyself! The common curse of mankind, 
	folly and ignorance, be thine in great revenue! Heaven bless 
	thee from a tutor, and discipline come not near thee! Let 
	thy blood be thy direction till thy death! Then if she that 
	lays thee out says thou art a fair corpse, I'll be sworn and 
	sworn upon't she never shrouded any but lazars. Amen. 
	Where's Achilles?

Patroclus	What, art thou devout? Wast thou in a prayer?

Thersites	Ay, the heavens hear me!

                             Enter ACHILLES.

Achilles	Who's there?

Patroclus	Thersites, my lord.

Achilles	Where, where? - art thou come? Why, my cheese, my digestion, 
	why hast thou not served thyself in to my table so many 
	meals? Come, what's Agamemnon?

Thersites	Thy commander, Achilles. Then tell me, Patroclus, what's 
	Achilles?

Patroclus	Thy lord, Thersites. Then tell me, I pray thee, what's 
	thyself?

Thersites	Thy knower, Patroclus. Then tell me, Patroclus, what art 
	thou?

Patroclus	Thou mayst tell that know'st.

Achilles	O tell, tell.

Thersites	I'll decline the whole question: Agamemnon commands 
	Achilles, Achilles is my lord, I am Patroclus' knower, and 
	Patroclus is a fool.

Patroclus	You rascal.

Thersites	Peace, fool, I have not done.

Achilles	He is a privileged man; proceed, Thersites.

Thersites	Agamemnon is a fool, Achilles is a fool, Thersites is a 
	fool, and, as aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool.

Achilles	Derive this, come.

Thersites	Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command Achilles, Achilles 
	is a fool to be commanded of Agamemnon, Thersites is a fool 
	to serve such a fool, and Patroclus is a fool positive.

Patroclus	Why am I a fool?

Thersites	Make that demand to the Creator; it suffices me thou art. 
	Look you, who comes here?

      Enter AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, DIOMEDES, AJAX and CALCHAS.

Achilles	Patroclus, I'll speak with nobody. Come in with me, 
	Thersites.
												[Exit.

Thersites	Here is such patchery, such juggling, and such knavery! All 
	the argument is a whore and a cuckold; a good quarrel to 
	draw emulous factions, and bleed to death upon. Now the dry 
	serpigo on the subject, and war and lechery confound all!
												[Exit.
Agamemnon	Where is Achilles?

Patroclus	Within his tent, but ill disposed, my lord.

Agamemnon	Let it be known to him that we are here.
	He sate our messengers, and we lay by
	Our appertainments, visiting of him.
	Let him be told so, lest perchance he think
	We dare not move the question of our place,
	Or know not what we are.

Patroclus								I shall so say to him.
												[Exit.
Ulysses	We saw him at the opening of his tent;
	He is not sick.

Ajax	Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart; you may call it 
	melancholy if you will favour the man, but by my head it is 
	pride. But why, why? Let him show us the cause. A word, my 
	lord.
												[Takes AGAMEMNON aside.
Nestor	What moves Ajax thus to bay at him?

Ulysses	Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him.

Nestor	Who, Thersites?

Ulysses	He.

Nestor	Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his argument.

Ulysses	No, you see he is his argument that has his argument, 
	Achilles.

Nestor	All the better: their fraction is more our wish than their 
	faction; but it was a strong council that a fool could 
	disunite.

Ulysses	The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may easily untie.

                           Re-enter PATROCLUS.

	Here comes Patroclus.

Nestor	No Achilles with him?

Ulysses	The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy: his legs 
	are legs for necessity, not for flexure.

Patroclus	Achilles bids me say he is much sorry
	If anything more than your sport and pleasure
	Did move your greatness and this noble state
	To call upon him; he hopes it is no other
	But, for your health and your digestion sake,
	An after-dinner's breath.

Agamemnon								Hear you, Patroclus:
	We are too well acquainted with these answers;
	But his evasion winged thus swift with scorn
	Cannot outfly our apprehensions.
	Much attribute he hath, and much the reason
	Why we ascribe it to him; yet all his virtues,
	Not virtuously on his own part beheld,
	Do in our eyes begin to lose their gloss,
	Yea, like fair fruit in an unwholesome dish
	Are like to rot untasted. Go and tell him
	We came to speak with him, and you shall not sin
	If you do say we think him overproud
	And underhonest, in self-assumption greater
	Than in the note of judgement; and worthier than himself
	Here tend the savage strangeness he puts on,
	Disguise the holy strength of their command,
	And underwrite in an observing kind
	His humorous predominance - yea, watch
	His pettish lunes, his ebbs, his flows, as if
	The passage and whole carriage of this action
	Rode on his tide. Go tell him this, and add
	That if he overhold his price so much
	We'll none of him, but let him, like an engine
	Not portable, lie under this report:
	"Bring action hither, this cannot go to war".
	A stirring dwarf we do allowance give
	Before a sleeping giant. Tell him so.

Patroclus	I shall, and bring his answer presently.
												[Exit.
Agamemnon	In second voice we'll not be satisfied;
	We come to speak with him. Ulysses, enter you.
												[Exit ULYSSES.
Ajax	What is he more than another?

Agamemnon	No more than what he thinks he is.

Ajax	Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself a better 
	man than I am?

Agamemnon	No question.

Ajax	Will you subscribe his thought, and say he is?

Agamemnon	No, noble Ajax; you are as strong, as valiant, as wise, no 
	less noble, much more gentle, and altogether more tractable.

Ajax	Why should a man be proud? How doth pride grow? I know not 
	what it is.

Agamemnon	Your mind is the clearer, Ajax, and your virtues the fairer. 
	He that is proud eats up himself. Pride is his own glass, 
	his own trumpet, his own chronicle; and whatever praises 
	itself but in the deed, devours the deed in the praise.

                            Re-enter ULYSSES.

Ajax	I do hate a proud man as I hate the engendering of toads.

Nestor	[Aside.] And yet he loves himself - is't not strange?

Ulysses	Achilles will not to the field tomorrow.

Agamemnon	What's his excuse?

Ulysses							He doth rely on none,
	But carries on the stream of his dispose
	Without observance or respect of any,
	In will peculiar and in self-admission.

Agamemnon	Why, will he not upon our fair request
	Untent his person and share the air with us?

Ulysses	Things small as nothing, for request's sake only,
	He makes important; possessed he is with greatness,
	And speaks not to himself but with a pride
	That quarrels at self-breath. Imagined worth
	Holds in his blood such swoll'n and hot discourse
	That 'twixt his mental and his active parts
	Kingdomed Achilles in commotion rages
	And batters 'gainst himself. What should I say?
	He is so plaguy proud that the death-tokens of it
	Cry "No recovery".

Agamemnon								Let Ajax go to him.
	Dear lord, go you and greet him in his tent;
	'Tis said he holds you well, and will be led
	At your request a little from himself.

Ulysses	O Agamemnon, let it not be so.
	We'll consecrate the steps that Ajax makes
	When they go from Achilles. Shall the proud lord
	That bastes his arrogance with his own seam,
	And never suffers matter of the world
	Enter his thoughts, save such as do revolve
	And ruminate himself - shall he be worshipped
	Of that we hold an idol more than he?
	No, this thrice worthy and right valiant lord
	Must not so stale his palm, nobly acquired,
	Nor, by my will, assubjugate his merit,
	As amply titled as Achilles is,
	By going to Achilles.
	That were to enlard his fat-already pride,
	And add more coals to Cancer when he burns
	With entertaining great Hyperion.
	This lord go to him? Jupiter forbid,
	And say in thunder "Achilles, go to him."

Nestor	[Aside.] O, this is well; he rubs the vein of him.

Diomedes	[Aside.] And how his silence drinks up this applause!

Ajax	If I go to him, with my armd fist
	I'll pash him o'er the face.

Agamemnon										O no, you shall not go.

Ajax	And a' be proud with me, I'll feeze his pride.
	Let me go to him.

Ulysses	Not for the worth that hangs upon our quarrel.

Ajax	A paltry, insolent fellow.

Nestor	[Aside.] How he describes himself!

Ajax	Can he not be sociable?

Ulysses	[Aside.] The raven chides blackness.

Ajax	I'll let his humours' blood.

Agamemnon	[Aside.] He will be the physician that should be the 
	patient.

Ajax	And all men were o' my mind-

Ulysses	[Aside.] Wit would be out of fashion.

Ajax	- a' should not bear it so; a' should eat swords first. 
	Shall pride carry it?

Nestor	[Aside.] And 'twould, you'd carry half.

Ulysses	[Aside.] A' would have ten shares.

Ajax	I will knead him, I'll make him supple.

Nestor	[Aside.] He's not yet through warm. Force him with praises; 
	pour in, pour in, his ambition is dry.

Ulysses	[To AGAMEMNON.] My lord, you feed too much on this dislike.

Nestor	Our noble general, do not do so.

Diomedes	You must prepare to fight without Achilles.

Ulysses	Why, 'tis this naming of him doth him harm.
	Here is a man - but 'tis before his face,
	I will be silent.

Nestor							Wherefore should you so?
	He is not emulous, as Achilles is.

Ulysses	Know the whole world, he is as valiant.

Ajax	A whoreson dog, that shall palter thus with us. Would he 
	were a Trojan!

Nestor	What a vice were it in Ajax now-

Ulysses	If he were proud-

Diomedes	Or covetous of praise-

Ulysses	Ay, or surly borne-

Diomedes	Or strange, or self-affected.

Ulysses	Thank the heavens, lord, thou art of sweet composure;
	Praise him that got thee, she that gave thee suck;
	Famed be thy tutor, and thy parts of nature
	Thrice famed beyond, beyond all erudition;
	But he that disciplined thine arms to fight,
	Let Mars divide eternity in twain,
	And give him half; and for thy vigour,
	Bull-bearing Milo his addition yield
	To sinewy Ajax. I will not praise thy wisdom,
	Which, like a bourn, a pale, a shore, confines
	Thy spacious and dilated parts. Here's Nestor,
	Instructed by the antiquary times:
	He must, he is, he cannot but be wise;
	But pardon, father Nestor, were your days
	As green as Ajax', and your brain so tempered,
	You should not have the eminence of him,
	But be as Ajax.

Ajax			[To NESTOR.] Shall I call you father?

Nestor	Ay, my good son.

Diomedes							Be ruled by him, Lord Ajax.

Ulysses	There is no tarrying here; the hart Achilles
	Keeps thicket. Please it our great general
	To call together all his state of war;
	Fresh kings are come to Troy. Tomorrow
	We must with all our main of power stand fast;
	And here's a lord - come knights from east to west
	And cull their flower, Ajax shall cope the best.

Agamemnon	Go we to council; let Achilles sleep.
	Light boats sail swift, though greater hulks draw deep.
												[Exeunt.
