The Grecian Camp.
 Enter AJAX and THERSITES.

Ajax	Thersites!

Thersites	Agamemnon: - how if he had boils, full, all over, generally?

Ajax	Thersites!

Thersites	And those boils did run? - say so; did not the general run 
	then? Were not that a botchy core?

Ajax	Dog!

Thersites	Then would come some matter from him: I see none now.

Ajax	Thou bitch-wolf's son, canst thou not hear? Feel then.
												[Strikes him.

Thersites	The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted 
	lord!

Ajax	Speak then, thou vinewed'st leaven, speak; I will beat thee 
	into handsomeness.

Thersites	I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness; but I think 
	thy horse will sooner con an oration than thou learn a 
	prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst thou? A red 
	murrain o' thy jade's tricks!

Ajax	Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.

Thersites	Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strik'st me thus?

Ajax	The proclamation!

Thersites	Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.

Ajax	Do not, porpentine, do not; my fingers itch.

Thersites	I would thou didst itch from head to foot, and I had the 
	scratching of thee; I would make thee the loathsom'st scab 
	in Greece.

Ajax	I say the proclamation.

Thersites	Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles, and thou 
	art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at 
	Proserpina's beauty, ay, that thou bark'st at him.

Ajax	Mistress Thersites.

Thersites	Thou shouldst strike him.

Ajax	Cobloaf!

Thersites	He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a sailor 
	breaks a biscuit.

Ajax	You whoreson cur!
												[Beats him.
Thersites	Do, do!

Ajax	Thou stool for a witch.

Thersites	Ay, do, do, thou sodden-witted lord; thou hast no more brain 
	than I have in mine elbows: an asinico may tutor thee. Thou 
	scurvy-valiant ass, thou art here but to thrash Trojans, and 
	thou art bought and sold among those of any wit, like a 
	barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy 
	heel and tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no 
	bowels thou.

Ajax	You dog.

Thersites	You scurvy lord.

Ajax	You cur.
												[Beats him.

Thersites	Mars his idiot! Do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do!

                      Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS.

Achilles	Why, how now, Ajax? Wherefore do you this?
	How now, Thersites? What's the matter man?

Thersites	You see him there, do you?

Achilles	Ay - what's the matter?

Thersites	Nay, look upon him.

Achilles	So I do - what's the matter?

Thersites	Nay, but regard him well.

Achilles	'Well' - why, I do so.

Thersites	But yet you look not well upon him; for whosoever you take 
	him to be, he is Ajax.

Achilles	I know that, fool.

Thersites	Ay, but that fool knows not himself.

Ajax	Therefore I beat thee.

Thersites	Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! His evasions 
	have ears thus long. I have bobbed his brain more than he 
	has beat my bones. I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and 
	his pia mater is not worth the ninth part of a sparrow. This 
	lord, Achilles - Ajax who wears his wit in his belly and his 
	guts in his head - I'll tell you what I say of him.

Achilles	What?

Thersites	I say, this Ajax-
												[AJAX makes to strike him.
Achilles	Nay, good Ajax.

Thersites	- has not so much wit-

Achilles	Nay, I must hold you.

Thersites	- as will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom he comes 
	to fight.

Achilles	Peace, fool!

Thersites	I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will not: he 
	there, that he, look you there.

Ajax	O thou damned cur, I shall-

Achilles	Will you set your wit to a fool's?

Thersites	No, I warrant you, for a fool's will shame it.

Patroclus	Good words, Thersites.

Achilles	What's the quarrel?

Ajax	I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the 
	proclamation, and he rails upon me.

Thersites	I serve thee not.

Ajax	Well, go to, go to.

Thersites	I serve here voluntary.

Achilles	Your last service was sufferance, 'twas not voluntary; no 
	man is beaten voluntary. Ajax was here the voluntary, and 
	you as under an impress.

Thersites	E'en so - a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your 
	sinews, or else there be liars. Hector shall have a great 
	catch if he knock out either of your brains: he were as a 
	good crack a fusty nut with no kernel.

Achilles	What, with me too, Thersites?

Thersites	There's Ulysses and old Nestor - whose wit was mouldy ere 
	your grandsires had nails on their toes - yoke you like 
	draught-oxen, and make you plough up the wars.

Achilles	What? What?

Thersites	Yes, good sooth. To, Achilles! To, Ajax, to-

Ajax	I shall cut out your tongue.

Thersites	'Tis no matter, I shall speak as much as thou afterwards.

Patroclus	No more words, Thersites; peace!

Thersites	I will hold my peace when Achilles' brach bids me, shall I?

Achilles	There's for you, Patroclus.

Thersites	I will see you hanged like clotpolls ere I come any more to 
	your tents. I will keep where there is wit stirring, and 
	leave the faction of fools.
												[Exit.
Patroclus	A good riddance.

Achilles	Marry, this, sir, is proclaimed through all our host:
	That Hector by the fifth hour of the sun
	Will, with a trumpet, 'twixt our tents and Troy
	Tomorrow morning call some knight to arms
	That hath a stomach, and such a one that dare
	Maintain - I know not what - 'tis trash. Farewell.

Ajax	Farewell. Who shall answer him?

Achilles	I know not; 'tis put to lott'ry: otherwise
	He knew his man.

Ajax	O, meaning you? I will go learn more of it.
												[Exeunt.
