Before Olivia's House.
 Enter FESTE and FABIAN.

Fabian	Now, as thou lov'st me, let me see his letter.

Feste	Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

Fabian	Anything.

Feste	Do not desire to see this letter.

Fabian	This is to give a dog, and in recompense desire my dog 
	again.

          Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA as Cesario, CURIO, and LORDS.

Duke Orsino	Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?

Feste	Ay, sir, we are some of her trappings.

Duke Orsino	I know thee well. How dost thou, my good fellow?

Feste	Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse for my 
	friends.

Duke Orsino	Just the contrary: the better for thy friends.

Feste	No, sir, the worse.

Duke Orsino	How can that be?

Feste	Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me. Now my 
	foes tell me plainly I am an ass, so that by my foes, sir, I 
	profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends I am 
	abused; so that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four 
	negatives make your two affirmatives, why then, the worse 
	for my friends and the better for my foes.

Duke Orsino	Why, this is excellent.

Feste	By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be one of my 
	friends.

Duke Orsino	Thou shalt not be the worse for me. There's gold.

Feste	But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could 
	make it another.

Duke Orsino	O, you give me ill counsel.

Feste	Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let 
	your flesh and blood obey it.

Duke Orsino	Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer. 
	There's another.

Feste	Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play, and the old saying 
	is 'The third pays for all'; the triplex, sir, is a good 
	tripping measure; or the bells of Saint Bennet, sir, may put 
	you in mind - one, two, three.

Duke Orsino	You can fool no more money out of me at this throw. If you 
	will let your lady know I am here to speak with her, and 
	bring her along with you, it may awake my bounty further.

Feste	Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, 
	sir, but I would not have you to think that my desire of 
	having is the sin of covetousness. But, as you say, sir, let 
	your bounty take a nap; I will awake it anon.
														[Exit.
                       Enter ANTONIO and OFFICERS.

Viola	Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.

Duke Orsino	That face of his I do remember well;
	Yet when I saw it last it was besmeared
	As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war.
	A baubling vessel was he captain of,
	For shallow draught and bulk unprizable,
	With which such scathful grapple did he make
	With the most noble bottom of our fleet,
	That very envy and the tongue of loss
	Cried fame and honour on him. What's the matter?

1st Officer	Orsino, this is that Antonio
	That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy,
	And this is he that did the Tiger board
	When your young nephew Titus lost his leg.
	Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,
	In private brabble did we apprehend him.

Viola	He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side;
	But in conclusion put strange speech upon me.
	I know not what 'twas but distraction.

Duke Orsino	Notable pirate, thou salt-water thief,
	What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies
	Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear,
	Hast made thine enemies?

Antonio								Orsino, noble sir,
	Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me.
	Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,
	Though I confess, on base and ground enough,
	Orsino's enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither.
	That most ingrateful boy there by your side
	From the rude sea's enraged and foamy mouth
	Did I redeem - a wrack past hope he was.
	His life I gave him, and did thereto add
	My love without retention or restraint,
	All his in dedication. For his sake
	Did I expose myself - pure for his love-
	Into the danger of this adverse town;
	Drew to defend him when he was beset;
	Where being apprehended, his false cunning,
	Not meaning to partake with me in danger,
	Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,
	And grew a twenty years' removd thing
	While one would wink; denied me mine own purse,
	Which I had recommended to his use
	Not half an hour before.

Viola								How can this be?

Duke Orsino	When came he to this town?

Antonio	Today, my lord; and for three months before,
	No int'rim, not a minute's vacancy,
	Both day and night did we keep company.

                       Enter OLIVIA and ATTENDANTS.

Duke Orsino	Here comes the countess - now heaven walks on earth!
	But for thee, fellow - fellow, thy words are madness.
	Three months this youth hath tended upon me;
	But more of that anon. Take him aside.

Olivia	What would my lord, but that he may not have,
	Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?
	Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.

Viola	Madam?

Duke Orsino	Gracious Olivia-

Olivia	What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord-

Viola	My lord would speak, my duty hushes me.

Olivia	If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,
	It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear
	As howling after music.

Duke Orsino							Still so cruel?

Olivia	Still so constant, lord.

Duke Orsino	What, to perverseness? You uncivil lady,
	To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars
	My soul the faithfull'st off'rings hath breathed out
	That e'er devotion tendered. What shall I do?

Olivia	Even what it please my lord that shall become him.

Duke Orsino	Why should I not, had I the heart to do it,
	Like to th' Egyptian thief at point of death,
	Kill what I love? - a savage jealousy
	That sometime savours nobly. But hear me this:
	Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,
	And that I partly know the instrument
	That screws me from my true place in your favour,
	Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still.
	But this your minion, whom I know you love,
	And whom, by heaven, I swear I tender dearly,
	Him will I tear out of that cruel eye
	Where he sits crownd in his master's spite.
	Come, boy, with me. My thoughts are ripe in mischief:
	I'll sacrifice the lamb that I do love
	To spite a raven's heart within a dove.

Viola	And I, most jocund, apt, and willingly,
	To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.

Olivia	Where goes Cesario?

Viola							After him I love
	More than I love these eyes, more than my life,
	More, by all mores, than e'er I shall love wife.
	If I do feign, you witnesses above
	Punish my life for tainting of my love!

Olivia	Ay me detested, how am I beguiled!

Viola	Who does beguile you? Who does do you wrong?

Olivia	Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?
	Call forth the holy father.
														[Exit ATTENDANT.
Duke Orsino					[To VIOLA.]	Come, away.

Olivia	Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay!

Duke Orsino	Husband?

Olivia				Ay, husband. Can he that deny?

Duke Orsino	Her husband, sirrah?

Viola							No, my lord, not I.

Olivia	Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear
	That makes thee strangle thy propriety.
	Fear not, Cesario, take thy fortunes up;
	Be that thou know'st thou art, and then thou art
	As great as that thou fear'st.

                              Enter PRIEST.

									O welcome, father!
	Father, I charge thee, by thy reverence,
	Here to unfold - though lately we intended
	To keep in darkness what occasion now
	Reveals before 'tis ripe - what thou dost know
	Hath newly passed between this youth and me.

Priest	A contract of eternal bond of love,
	Confirmed by mutual joinder of your hands,
	Attested by the holy close of lips,
	Strengthened by interchangement of your rings,
	And all the ceremony of this compact
	Sealed in my function, by my testimony;
	Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave
	I have travelled but two hours.

Duke Orsino	O thou dissembling cub! What wilt thou be
	When time hath sowed a grizzle on thy case?
	Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow
	That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?
	Farewell, and take her; but direct thy feet
	Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.

Viola	My lord, I do protest.

Olivia							O do not swear!
	Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.

           Enter SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK, bleeding from the head.

Sir Andrew	For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently to Sir 
	Toby.

Olivia	What's the matter?

Sir Andrew	H'as broke my head across, and has given Sir Toby a bloody 
	coxcomb too. For the love of God, your help! I had rather 
	than forty pound I were at home.

Olivia	Who has done this, Sir Andrew?

Sir Andrew	The count's gentleman, one Cesario. We took him for a 
	coward, but he's the very devil incardinate.

Duke Orsino	My gentleman Cesario?

Sir Andrew	'Od's-lifelings, here he is! You broke my head for nothing; 
	and that that I did, I was set on to do't by Sir Toby.

Viola	Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you.
	You drew your sword upon me without cause,
	But I bespake you fair and hurt you not.

                   Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, led by FESTE.

Sir Andrew	If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me. I think you 
	set nothing by a bloody coxcomb. Here comes Sir Toby 
	halting. You shall hear more; but if he had not been in 
	drink he would have tickled you othergates than he did.

Duke Orsino	How now, gentleman! How is't with you?

Sir Toby	That's all one; has has hurt me, and there's th' end on't. 
	Sot, didst see Dick Surgeon, sot?

Feste	O, he's drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone. His eyes were set at 
	eight i'th' morning.

Sir Toby	Then he's a rogue, and a passy measures pavin. I hate the 
	drunken rogue.

Olivia	Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?

Sir Andrew	I'll help you, Sir Toby, because we'll be dressed together.

Sir Toby	Will you help - an ass-head and a coxcomb and a knave, a 
	thin-faced knave, a gull?

Olivia	Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked to.
				 [Exeunt FESTE, FABIAN, SIR TOBY, and SIR ANDREW.

                             Enter SEBASTIAN.

Sebastian	I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman;
	But had it been the brother of my blood
	I must have done no less with wit and safety.
	You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that
	I do perceive it hath offended you.
	Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows
	We made each other but so late ago.

Duke Orsino	One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons:
	A natural perspective that is and is not!

Sebastian	Antonio, O my dear Antonio,
	How have the hours racked and tortured me
	Since I have lost thee!

Antonio	Sebastian are you?

Sebastian						Fear'st thou that, Antonio?

Antonio	How have you made division of yourself?
	An apple cleft in two is not more twin
	Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?

Olivia	Most wonderful!

Sebastian	Do I stand there? I never had a brother;
	Nor can there be that deity in my nature
	Of here and everywhere. I had a sister,
	Whom the blind waves and surges have devoured.
	Of charity, what kin are you to me?
	What countryman? What name? What parentage?

Viola	Of Messaline; Sebastian was my father;
	Such a Sebastian was my brother too;
	So went he suited to his watery tomb.
	If spirits can assume both form and suit,
	You come to fright us.

Sebastian							A spirit I am indeed,
	But am in that dimension grossly clad
	Which from the womb I did participate.
	Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,
	I should my tears let fall upon your cheek
	And say "Thrice welcome, drownd Viola!"

Viola	My father had a mole upon his brow.

Sebastian	And so had mine.

Viola	And died that day when Viola from her birth
	Had numbered thirteen years.

Sebastian	O, that record is lively in my soul!
	He finishd indeed his mortal act
	That day that made my sister thirteen years.

Viola	If nothing lets to make us happy both
	But this my masculine usurped attire,
	Do not embrace me till each circumstance
	Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump
	That I am Viola; which to confirm,
	I'll bring you to a captain in this town,
	Where lie my maiden weeds, by whose gentle help
	I was preserved to serve this noble count.
	All the occurrence of my fortune since
	Hath been between this lady and this lord.

Sebastian	[To OLIVIA.] So comes it, lady, you have been mistook;
	But nature to her bias drew in that.
	You would have been contracted to a maid;
	Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived:
	You are betrothed both to a maid and man.

Duke Orsino	Be not amazed; right noble is his blood.
	If this be so, as yet the glass seems true,
	I shall have share in this most happy wrack.
	[To VIOLA.] Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times
	Thou never shouldst love woman like to me.

Viola	And all those sayings will I overswear,
	And all those swearings keep as true in soul
	As doth that orbd continent the fire
	That severs day from night.

Duke Orsino								Give me thy hand,
	And let me see thee in thy woman's weeds.

Viola	The captain that did bring me first on shore
	Hath my maid's garments. He upon some action
	Is now in durance at Malvolio's suit,
	A gentleman and follower of my lady's.

Olivia	He shall enlarge him. Fetch Malvolio hither.
	And yet, alas, now I remember me,
	They say, poor gentleman, he's much distract.

                  Enter FESTE with a letter, and FABIAN.

	A most extracting frenzy of mine own
	From my remembrance clearly banished his.
	How does he, sirrah?

Feste	Truly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the stave's end as well 
	as a man in his case may do. H'as here writ a letter to you. 
	I should have given't you today morning; but as a madman's 
	epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are 
	delivered.

Olivia	Open't, and read it.

Feste	Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers the 
	madman.
	[Reads madly.]	"By the Lord, madam,"-

Olivia	How now, art thou mad?

Feste	No, madam, I do but read madness. An your ladyship will have 
	it as it ought to be, you must allow vox.

Olivia	Prithee read i'thy right wits.

Feste	So I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to read 
	thus; therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.

Olivia	[To FABIAN.] Read it you, sirrah.

Fabian	[Reads.]	"By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the world 
	shall know it. Though you have put me into darkness, and 
	given your drunken cousin rule over me, yet have I the 
	benefit of my senses as well as your ladyship. I have your 
	own letter that induced me to the semblance I put on; with 
	the which I doubt not but to do myself much right, or you 
	much shame. Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a 
	little unthought of, and speak out of my injury.
										The madly-used MALVOLIO."

Olivia	Did he write this?

Feste	Ay, madam.

Duke Orsino	This savours not much of distraction.

Olivia	See him delivered, Fabian; bring him hither.
														[Exit FABIAN.
	My lord, so please you, these things further thought on,
	To think me as well a sister as a wife,
	One day shall crown th' alliance on't, so please you,
	Here at my house and at my proper cost.

Duke Orsino	Madam, I am most apt t'embrace your offer.
	[To VIOLA.]
	Your master quits you; and for your service done him,
	So much against the mettle of your sex,
	So far beneath your soft and tender breeding,
	And since you called me master for so long,
	Here is my hand; you shall from this time be
	Your master's mistress.

Olivia							A sister! - you are she.

                      Re-enter FABIAN with MALVOLIO.

Duke Orsino	Is this the madman?

Olivia							Ay, my lord, this same.
	How now, Malvolio?

Malvolio	Madam, you have done me wrong,
	Notorious wrong.

Olivia						Have I, Malvolio? No.

Malvolio	Lady, you have. Pray you peruse that letter.
	You must not now deny it is your hand.
	Write from it, if you can, in hand or phrase,
	Or say 'tis not your seal, not your invention.
	You can say none of this. Well, grant it then,
	And tell me, in the modesty of honour,
	Why you have given me such clear lights of favour,
	Bade me come smiling and cross-gartered to you,
	To put on yellow stockings, and to frown
	Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people;
	And, acting this in an obedient hope,
	Why have you suffered me to be imprisoned,
	Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,
	And made the most notorious geck and gull
	That e'er invention played on? Tell me, why?

Olivia	Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,
	Though I confess much like the character;
	But, out of question, 'tis Maria's hand.
	And now I do bethink me, it was she
	First told me thou wast mad; then cam'st in smiling,
	And in such forms which here were presupposed
	Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content.
	This practice hath most shrewdly passed upon thee;
	But when we know the grounds and authors of it,
	Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge
	Of thine own cause.

Fabian						Good madam, hear me speak,
	And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come
	Taint the condition of this present hour,
	Which I have wondered at. In hope it shall not,
	Most freely I confess myself and Toby
	Set this device against Malvolio here,
	Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts
	We had conceived against him. Maria writ
	The letter at Sir Toby's great importance,
	In recompense whereof he hath married her.
	How with a sportful malice it was followed
	May rather pluck on laughter than revenge,
	If that the injuries be justly weighed
	That have on both sides passed.

Olivia	[To MALVOLIO.] Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!

Feste	Why, "some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some 
	have greatness thrown upon them". I was one, sir, in this 
	interlude, one Sir Topas, sir; but that's all one. "By the 
	Lord, fool, I am not mad." But do you remember, "Madam, why 
	laugh you at such a barren rascal. An you smile not, he's 
	gagged"? And thus the whirligig of time brings in his 
	revenges.

Malvolio	I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you!
														[Exit.
Olivia	He hath been most notoriously abused.

Duke Orsino	Pursue him, and entreat him to a peace;
	He hath not told us of the captain yet.
														[Exit ATTENDANT.
	When that is known, and golden time convents,
	A solemn combination shall be made
	Of our dear souls. Meantime, sweet sister,
	We will not part from hence. Cesario, come-
	For so you shall be while you are a man;
	But when in other habits you are seen,
	Orsino's mistress, and his fancy's queen.
														[Exeunt all but FESTE.

Feste	[Sings.]	When that I was and a little tiny boy,
				With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
			A foolish thing was but a toy,
				For the rain it raineth every day.

			But when I came to man's estate,
				With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
			'Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,
				For the rain it raineth every day.

			But when I came, alas, to wive,
				With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
			By swaggering could I never thrive,
				For the rain it raineth every day.

			But when I came unto my beds,
				With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
			With tosspots still had drunken heads,
				For the rain it raineth every day.

			A great while ago the world begun,
				With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
			But that's all one, our play is done,
				And we'll strive to please you every day.
														[Exit.
