A Room in Olivia's House.
 Enter MARIA and FESTE.

Maria	Nay, I prithee put on this gown and this beard. Make him 
	believe thou art Sir Topas the curate; do it quickly. I'll 
	call Sir Toby the whilst.
														[Exit.

Feste	Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in't, and 
	I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a 
	gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor 
	lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an 
	honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a 
	careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

                     Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA.

Sir Toby	Jove bless thee, Master Parson.

Feste	Bonos dies, Sir Toby; for as the old hermit of Prague, that 
	never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King 
	Gorboduc "That that is is"; so I, being Master Parson, am 
	Master Parson; for what is 'that' but that, and 'is' but is?

Sir Toby	To him, Sir Topas.

Feste	What ho, I say. Peace in this prison!

Sir Toby	The knave counterfeits well - a good knave.

                             MALVOLIO within.

Malvolio	Who calls there?

Feste	Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the 
	lunatic.

Malvolio	Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Feste	Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this man! Talkest 
	thou nothing but of ladies?

Sir Toby	Well said, Master Parson.

Malvolio	Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do 
	not think I am mad. They have laid me here in hideous 
	darkness.

Feste	Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest 
	terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the 
	devil himself with courtesy. Sayst thou that house is dark?

Malvolio	As hell, Sir Topas.

Feste	Why, it hath bay-windows transparent as barricadoes, and the 
	clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as 
	ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?

Malvolio	I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this house is dark.

Feste	Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but 
	ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians 
	in their fog.

Malvolio	I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance 
	were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man thus 
	abused. I am no more mad than you are. Make the trial of it 
	in any constant question.

Feste	What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl?

Malvolio	That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

Feste	What think'st thou of his opinion?

Malvolio	I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

Feste	Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt 
	hold th' opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, 
	and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of 
	thy grandam. Fare thee well.

Malvolio	Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

Sir Toby	My most exquisite Sir Topas!

Feste	Nay, I am for all waters.

Maria	Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown, he 
	sees thee not.

Sir Toby	To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou 
	find'st him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he 
	may be conveniently delivered, I would he were; for I am now 
	so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with 
	any safety this sport to the upshot. [To FESTE.] Come by and 
	by to my chamber.
												[Exeunt SIR TOBY and MARIA.

Feste	[Sings.]	Hey Robin, jolly Robin,
			Tell me how thy lady does.

Malvolio	Fool!

Feste	[Sings.]	My lady is unkind, perdie.

Malvolio	Fool!

Feste	[Sings.]	Alas, why is she so?

Malvolio	Fool, I say!

Feste	[Sings.]	She loves another-
	Who calls, ha?

Malvolio	Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help 
	me to a candle and pen, ink and paper. As I am a gentleman, 
	I will live to be thankful to thee for't.

Feste	Master Malvolio!

Malvolio	Ay, good fool.

Feste	Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

Malvolio	Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused; I am as 
	well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

Feste	But as well? Then you are mad indeed if you be no better in 
	your wits than a fool.

Malvolio	They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness, send 
	ministers to me - asses! - and do all they can to face me 
	out of my wits.

Feste	Advise you what you say; the minister is here.
	[As Sir Topas.] Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens 
	restore! Endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain 
	bibble-babble.

Malvolio	Sir Topas!

Feste	[As Sir Topas.] Maintain no words with him, good fellow.
	[As himself.] Who, I, sir? Not I, sir. God-buy-you, good Sir 
	Topas.
	[As Sir Topas.] Marry, amen!
	[As himself.] I will, sir, I will.

Malvolio	Fool, fool, fool, I say!

Feste	Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for 
	speaking to you.

Malvolio	Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee 
	I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

Feste	Welladay that you were, sir!

Malvolio	By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light; 
	and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall 
	advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.

Feste	I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you not mad 
	indeed, or do you but counterfeit?

Malvolio	Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

Feste	Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains. I 
	will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.

Malvolio	Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree. I prithee be 
	gone.

Feste	[Sings.]		I am gone, sir,
				And anon, sir,
			I'll be with you again,
				In a trice,
				Like to the old Vice,
			Your need to sustain.

			Who with dagger of lath,
			In his rage and his wrath,
				Cries "Ah, ha!" to the devil.
			Like a mad lad,
			"Pare thy nails, dad."
				Adieu, goodman devil!'
														[Exit.
