A Room in Olivia's House.
 Enter MARIA and FESTE.

Maria	Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open 
	my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse. 
	My lady will hang thee for thy absence.

Feste	Let her hang me. He that is well hanged in this world needs 
	to fear no colours.

Maria	Make that good.

Feste	He shall see none to fear.

Maria	A good lenten answer. I can tell thee where that saying was 
	born, of 'I fear no colours'.

Feste	Where, good Mistress Mary?

Maria	In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your 
	foolery.

Feste	Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are 
	fools, let them use their talents.

Maria	Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent, or to be 
	turned away - is not that as good as a hanging to you?

Feste	Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and, for 
	turning away, let summer bear it out.

Maria	You are resolute then?

Feste	Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.

Maria	That if one break, the other will hold; or if both break, 
	your gaskins fall.

Feste	Apt, in good faith, very apt. Well, go thy way. If Sir Toby 
	would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's 
	flesh as any in Illyria.

Maria	Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my lady; make 
	your excuse wisely, you were best.
														[Exit.
             Enter Lady OLIVIA with MALVOLIO and ATTENDANTS.

Feste	Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits 
	that think they have thee do very oft prove fools; and I 
	that am sure I lack thee may pass for a wise man. For what 
	says Quinapalus? 'Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.' 
	God bless thee, lady.

Olivia.	Take the fool away.

Feste	Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.

Olivia	Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you. Besides, you 
	grow dishonest.

Feste	Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend; 
	for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry; bid 
	the dishonest man mend himself - if he mend, he is no longer 
	dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Anything 
	that's mended is but patched; virtue that transgresses is 
	but patched with sin, and sin that amends is but patched 
	with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; 
	if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but 
	calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take away the 
	fool, therefore I say again, take her away.

Olivia	Sir, I bade them take away you.

Feste	Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non facit 
	monachum; that's as much to say as, I wear not motley in my 
	brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.

Olivia	Can you do it?

Feste	Dexteriously, good madonna.

Olivia	Make your proof.

Feste	I must catechize you for it, madonna. Good my mouse of 
	virtue, answer me.

Olivia	Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.

Feste	Good madonna, why mourn'st thou?

Olivia	Good fool, for my brother's death.

Feste	I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

Olivia	I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

Feste	The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul 
	being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.

Olivia	What think you of this fool, Malvolio? Doth he not mend?

Malvolio	Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him. 
	Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better 
	fool.

Feste	God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better 
	increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no 
	fox, but he will not pass his word for twopence that you are 
	no fool.

Olivia	How say you to that, Malvolio?

Malvolio	I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren 
	rascal. I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary 
	fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he's 
	out of his guard already; unless you laugh and minister 
	occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest I take these wise 
	men that crow so at these set kind of fools no better than 
	the fools' zanies.

Olivia	O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a 
	distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless, and of free 
	disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts that you 
	deem cannon bullets. There is no slander in an allowed fool, 
	though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known 
	discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove.

Feste	Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speak'st well 
	of fools.

                             Re-enter MARIA.

Maria	Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires 
	to speak with you.

Olivia	From the Count Orsino, is it?

Maria	I know not, madam. 'Tis a fair young man, and well attended.

Olivia	Who of my people hold him in delay?

Maria	Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.

Olivia	Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but madman. Fie 
	on him!
														[Exit MARIA.

	Go you, Malvolio. If it be a suit from the count, I am sick 
	or not at home. What you will, to dismiss it.
														[Exit MALVOLIO.

	Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people 
	dislike it.

Feste	Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should 
	be a fool, whose skull Jove cram with brains, for - here he 
	comes - one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater.

                             Enter SIR TOBY.

Olivia	By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?

Sir Toby	A gentleman.

Olivia	A gentleman? What gentleman?

Sir Toby	'Tis a gentleman here - [Belches.] A plague o' these pickle-
	herring! [To FESTE.] How now, sot?

Feste	Good Sir Toby.

Olivia	Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?

Sir Toby	Lechery? I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.

Olivia	Ay, marry, what is he?

Sir Toby	Let him be the devil an he will, I care not; give me faith, 
	say I. Well, it's all one.
														[Exit.
Olivia	What's a drunken man like, fool?

Feste	Like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman: one draught above 
	heat makes him a fool, the second mads him, and a third 
	drowns him.

Olivia	Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my coz; for 
	he's in the third degree of drink, he's drowned. Go look 
	after him.

Feste	He is but mad yet, madonna, and the fool shall look to the 
	madman.
														[Exit.
                            Re-enter MALVOLIO.

Malvolio	Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I 
	told him you were sick; he takes on him to understand so 
	much, and therefore comes to speak with you. I told him you 
	were asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too, 
	and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to 
	him, lady? He's fortified against any denial.

Olivia	Tell him he shall not speak with me.

Malvolio	H'as been told so; and he says he'll stand at your door like 
	a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to a bench, but he'll 
	speak with you.

Olivia	What kind o' man is he?

Malvolio	Why, of mankind.

Olivia	What manner of man?

Malvolio	Of very ill manner: he'll speak with you, will you or no.

Olivia	Of what personage and years is he?

Malvolio	Not yet old enough for a man nor young enough for a boy - as 
	a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a codling when 'tis 
	almost an apple. 'Tis with him in standing water, between 
	boy and man. He is very well-favoured, and he speaks very 
	shrewishly. One would think his mother's milk were scarce 
	out of him.

Olivia	Let him approach. Call in my gentlewoman.

Malvolio	Gentlewoman! - my lady calls.
														[Exit.
                             Re-enter MARIA.

Olivia	Give me my veil; come, throw it o'er my face;
	We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.

                         Enter VIOLA as Cesario.

Viola	The honourable lady of the house, which is she?

Olivia	Speak to me, I shall answer for her. Your will?

Viola	Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty - I pray you 
	tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw 
	her. I would be loath to cast away my speech; for, besides 
	that it is excellently well penned, I have taken great pains 
	to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very 
	comptible, even to the least sinister usage.

Olivia	Whence came you, sir?

Viola	I can say little more than I have studied, and that 
	question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest 
	assurance if you be the lady of the house, that I may 
	proceed in my speech.

Olivia	Are you a comedian?

Viola	No, my profound heart; and yet - by the very fangs of malice 
	I swear - I am not that I play. Are you the lady of the 
	house?

Olivia	If I do not usurp myself, I am.

Viola	Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself; for 
	what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve. But this is 
	from my commission. I will on with my speech in your praise, 
	and then show you the heart of my message.

Olivia	Come to what is important in't; I forgive you the praise.

Viola	Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.

Olivia	It is the more like to be feigned; I pray you keep it in. I 
	heard you were saucy at my gates, and allowed your approach 
	rather to wonder at you than to hear you. If you be mad, be 
	gone; if you have reason, be brief. 'Tis not that time of 
	moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.

Maria	Will you hoist sail, sir? Here lies your way.

Viola	No, good swabber, I am to hull here a little longer. Some 
	mollification for your giant, sweet lady. Tell me your mind, 
	I am a messenger.

Olivia	Sure you have some hideous matter to deliver, when the 
	courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.

Viola	It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no 
	taxation of homage. I hold the olive in my hand; my words 
	are as full of peace as matter.

Olivia	Yet you began rudely. What are you? What would you?

Viola	The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I learned from my 
	entertainment. What I am, and what I would, are as secret as 
	maidenhead: to your ears, divinity; to any other's, 
	profanation.

Olivia	Give us the place alone; we will hear this divinity.
											[Exeunt MARIA and ATTENDANTS.
	Now, sir, what is your text?

Viola	Most sweet lady-

Olivia	A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it. Where 
	lies your text?

Viola	In Orsino's bosom.

Olivia	In his bosom? In what chapter of his bosom?

Viola	To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.

Olivia	O, I have read it, it is heresy. Have you no more to say?

Viola	Good madam, let me see your face.

Olivia	Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate with my 
	face? You are now out of your text; but we will draw the 
	curtain and show you the picture.
														[Unveiling.
	Look you, sir, such a one I was this present. Is't not well 
	done?

Viola	Excellently done, if God did all.

Olivia	'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and weather.

Viola	'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
	Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on.
	Lady, you are the cruel'st she alive
	If you will lead these graces to the grave,
	And leave the world no copy.

Olivia	O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give out 
	divers schedules of my beauty. It shall be inventoried, and 
	every particle and utensil labelled to my will, as: item, 
	two lips indifferent red; item, two grey eyes with lids to 
	them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you sent 
	hither to praise me?

Viola	I see you what you are - you are too proud;
	But, if you were the devil, you are fair.
	My lord and master loves you. O, such love
	Could be but recompensed though you were crowned
	The nonpareil of beauty.

Olivia								How does he love me?

Viola	With adorations, fertile tears,
	With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.

Olivia	Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him.
	Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,
	Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth,
	In voices well divulged, free, learned, and valiant,
	And in dimension and the shape of nature
	A gracious person; but yet I cannot love him.
	He might have took his answer long ago.

Viola	If I did love you in my master's flame,
	With such a suff'ring, such a deadly life,
	In your denial I would find no sense;
	I would not understand it.

Olivia								Why, what would you?

Viola	Make me a willow cabin at your gate
	And call upon my soul within the house;
	Write loyal cantons of contemnd love
	And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
	Halloo your name to the reverberate hills
	And make the babbling gossip of the air
	Cry out 'Olivia!' O, you should not rest
	Between the elements of air and earth
	But you should pity me.

Olivia							You might do much.
	What is your parentage?

Viola	Above my fortunes, yet my state is well.
	I am a gentleman.

Olivia						Get you to your lord.
	I cannot love him; let him send no more,
	Unless, perchance, you come to me again
	To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well.
	I thank you for your pains. Spend this for me.
														[Offering her money.

Viola	I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse;
	My master, not myself, lacks recompense.
	Love make his heart of flint that you shall love,
	And let your fervour, like my master's, be
	Placed in contempt. Farewell, fair cruelty.
														[Exit.
Olivia	'What is your parentage?'
	"Above my fortunes, yet my state is well.
	I am a gentleman." I'll be sworn thou art.
	Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions, and spirit,
	Do give thee fivefold blazon. Not too fast; soft, soft!
	Unless the master were the man. How now!
	Even so quickly may one catch the plague?
	Methinks I feel this youth's perfections
	With an invisible and subtle stealth
	To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.
	What ho, Malvolio!

                            Re-enter MALVOLIO.

Malvolio						Here, madam, at your service.

Olivia	Run after that same peevish messenger,
	The County's man. He left this ring behind him,
	Would I or not. Tell him I'll none of it.
	Desire him not to flatter with his lord,
	Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him.
	If that the youth will come this way tomorrow,
	I'll give him reasons for't. Hie thee, Malvolio.

Malvolio	Madam, I will.
														[Exit.
Olivia	I do I know not what, and fear to find
	Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.
	Fate, show thy force; ourselves we do not owe.
	What is decreed must be - and be this so.
														[Exit.
