A Room in Olivia's House.
 Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA.

Sir Toby	What a plague means my niece to take the death of her 
	brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.

Maria	By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier a'nights. 
	Your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill 
	hours.

Sir Toby	Why, let her except before excepted.

Maria	Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits 
	of order.

Sir Toby	Confine? I'll confine myself no finer than I am. These 
	clothes are good enough to drink in, and so be these boots 
	too; an they be not, let them hang themselves in their own 
	straps.

Maria	That quaffing and drinking will undo you. I heard my lady 
	talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you 
	brought in one night here to be her wooer.

Sir Toby	Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?

Maria	Ay, he.

Sir Toby	He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.

Maria	What's that to th' purpose?

Sir Toby	Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.

Maria	Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats. He's a 
	very fool and a prodigal.

Sir Toby	Fie that you'll say so! He plays o'th' viol-de-gamboys, and 
	speaks three or four languages word for word without book, 
	and hath all the good gifts of nature.

Maria	He hath indeed - almost natural; for besides that he's a 
	fool, he's a great quarreller; and but that he hath the gift 
	of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, 'tis 
	thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of 
	a grave.

Sir Toby	By this hand, they are scoundrels and substractors that say 
	so of him. Who are they?

Maria	They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.

Sir Toby	With drinking healths to my niece. I'll drink to her as long 
	as there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria. 
	He's a coward and a coistrel that will not drink to my niece 
	till his brains turn o'th' toe like a parish top. What, 
	wench? Castiliano vulgo; for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.

                       Enter SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK.

Sir Andrew	Sir Toby Belch! How now, Sir Toby Belch?

Sir Toby	Sweet Sir Andrew!

Sir Andrew	Bless you, fair shrew.

Maria	And you too, sir.

Sir Toby	Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.

Sir Andrew	What's that?

Sir Toby	My niece's chambermaid.

Sir Andrew	Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.

Maria	My name is Mary, sir.

Sir Andrew	Good Mistress Mary Accost-

Sir Toby	You mistake, knight. 'Accost' is front her, board her, woo 
	her, assail her.

Sir Andrew	By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is 
	that the meaning of 'accost'?

Maria	Fare you well, gentlemen.

Sir Toby	An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never 
	draw sword again.

Sir Andrew	An you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword 
	again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?

Maria	Sir, I have not you by th' hand.

Sir Andrew	Marry, but you shall have, and here's my hand.

Maria	Now, sir, thought is free. I pray you, bring your hand to 
	th' buttery-bar and let it drink.

Sir Andrew	Wherefore, sweetheart? What's your metaphor?

Maria	It's dry, sir.

Sir Andrew	Why, I think so. I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand 
	dry. But what's your jest?

Maria	A dry jest, sir.

Sir Andrew	Are you full of them?

Maria	Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends; marry, now I let 
	go your hand, I am barren.
														[Exit.

Sir Toby	O knight, thou lack'st a cup of canary. When did I see thee 
	so put down?

Sir Andrew	Never in your life, I think, unless you see canary put me 
	down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian 
	or an ordinary man has; but I am a great eater of beef, and 
	I believe that does harm to my wit.

Sir Toby	No question.

Sir Andrew	An I thought that, I'd forswear it. I'll ride home tomorrow, 
	Sir Toby.

Sir Toby	Pourquoi, my dear knight?

Sir Andrew	What is 'pourquoi'? Do or not do? I would I had bestowed 
	that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing, 
	and bear-baiting. O, had I but followed the arts!

Sir Toby	Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.

Sir Andrew	Why, would that have mended my hair?

Sir Toby	Past question, for thou seest it will not curl by nature.

Sir Andrew	But it becomes me well enough, does't not?

Sir Toby	Excellent. It hangs like flax on a distaff, and I hope to 
	see a huswife take thee between her legs and spin it off.

Sir Andrew	Faith, I'll home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your niece will not be 
	seen; or if she be, it's four to one she'll none of me. The 
	count himself here hard by woos her.

Sir Toby	She'll none o'th' count. She'll not match above her degree, 
	neither in estate, years, nor wit; I have heard her swear't. 
	Tut, there's life in't, man.

Sir Andrew	I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o'th' strangest mind 
	i'th' world: I delight in masques and revels sometimes 
	altogether.

Sir Toby	Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?

Sir Andrew	As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of 
	my betters; and yet I will not compare with an old man.

Sir Toby	What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?

Sir Andrew	Faith, I can cut a caper.

Sir Toby	And I can cut the mutton to't.

Sir Andrew	And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any 
	man in Illyria.

Sir Toby	Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have these gifts a 
	curtain before 'em? Are they like to take dust, like 
	Mistress Mall's picture? Why dost thou not go to church in a 
	galliard and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be 
	a jig; I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-
	pace. What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? 
	I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it 
	was formed under the star of a galliard.

Sir Andrew	Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a damned-
	coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?

Sir Toby	What shall we do else? Were we not born under Taurus?

Sir Andrew	Taurus? That's sides and heart.

Sir Toby	No, sir, it is legs and thighs. Let me see thee caper. Ha, 
	higher! Ha, ha, excellent!
														[Exeunt.
