A Room in the Garter Inn.
 Enter HOST and SIMPLE.

Host	What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thickskin? Speak, 
	breathe, discuss - brief, short, quick, snap.

Simple	Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from 
	Master Slender.

Host	There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-
	bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with the story of 
	the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go, knock and call; he'll 
	speak like an anthropophaginian unto thee. Knock, I say.

Simple	There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his 
	chamber. I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down. 
	I come to speak with her, indeed.

Host	Ha, a fat woman! The knight may be robbed; I'll call. 
	Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs 
	military. Art thou there? It is thine host, thine 
	Ephesian, calls.

Falstaff	[Above, within.] How now, mine host?

Host	Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy 
	fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend; my 
	chambers are honourable. Fie! Privacy? Fie!

                             Enter FALSTAFF.

Falstaff	There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with me, 
	but she's gone.

Simple	Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of Brainford?

Falstaff	Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell. What would you with her?

Simple	My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her 
	go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, 
	sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain or no.

Falstaff	I spake with the old woman about it.

Simple	And what says she, I pray, sir?

Falstaff	Marry, she says that the very same man that beguiled 
	Master Slender of his chain cozened him of it.

Simple	I would I could have spoken with the woman herself. I had 
	other things to have spoken with her too, from him.

Falstaff	What are they? Let us know.

Host	Ay, come; quick.

Simple	I may not conceal them, sir.

Host	Conceal them, or thou diest.

Simple	Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page, 
	to know if it were my master's fortune to have her or no.

Falstaff	'Tis, 'tis his fortune.

Simple	What, sir?

Falstaff	To have her, or no. Go, say the woman told me so.

Simple	May I be bold to say so, sir?

Falstaff	Ay, sir - like who more bold.

Simple	I thank your worship. I shall make my master glad with 
	these tidings.
												[Exit.

Host	Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a 
	wise woman with thee?

Falstaff	Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught me 
	more wit than ever I learned before in my life - and I 
	paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning.

                             Enter BARDOLPH.

Bardolph	Out, alas sir! Cozenage, mere cozenage!

Host	Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.

Bardolph	Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond 
	Eton they threw me off, from behind one of them, in a 
	slough of mire, and set spurs and away, like three German 
	devils, three Doctor Faustuses.

Host	They are gone but to meet the duke, villain. Do not say 
	they be fled. Germans are honest men.

                          Enter SIR HUGH EVANS.

Evans	Where is mine host?

Host	What is the matter, sir?

Evans	Have a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of 
	mine come to town tells me there is three cozen-Germans 
	that has cozened all the hosts of Reading, of Maidenhead, 
	of Colnbrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good 
	will, look you: you are wise and full of gibes and 
	vlouting-stocks, and 'tis not convenient you should be 
	cozened. Fare you well.
												[Exit.

                           Enter DOCTOR CAIUS.

Caius	Vere is mine host de Jarteer?

Host	Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

Caius	I cannot tell vat is dat, but it is tell-a me dat you make 
	grand preparation for a duke de Jamany. By my trot, dere 
	is no duke that the court is know to come. I tell you for 
	good will. Adieu.
												[Exit.

Host	Hue and cry, villain! Go! Assist me, knight, I am undone. 
	Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!
												[Exeunt HOST and BARDOLPH.

Falstaff	I would all the world might be cozened, for I have been 
	cozened and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of 
	the court how I have been transformed, and how my 
	transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, they would 
	melt me out of my fat drop by drop, and liquor fishermen's 
	boots with me. I warrant they would whip me with their 
	fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I 
	never prospered since I forswore myself at primero. Well, 
	if my wind were but long enough, I would repent.

                         Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.

	Now, whence come you?

Quickly	From the two parties, forsooth.

Falstaff	The devil take one party, and his dam the other, and so 
	they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more for 
	their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of man's 
	disposition is able to bear.

Quickly	And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant; speciously one 
	of them: Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and 
	blue that you cannot see a white spot about her.

Falstaff	What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was beaten 
	myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and I was like 
	to be apprehended for the witch of Brainford. But that my 
	admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action 
	of an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set 
	me i'th'stocks - i'th'common stocks! -for a witch.

Quickly	Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber; you shall hear 
	how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a 
	letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to 
	bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven 
	well, that you are so crossed.

Falstaff	Come up into my chamber.
												[Exeunt.
