A Room in Ford's House.
 Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD.

Falstaff	Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I 
	see you are obsequious in your love, and I profess 
	requital to a hair's breadth; not only, Mistress Ford, in 
	the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, 
	complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your 
	husband now?

Mistress Ford	He's a-birding, sweet Sir John.

Mistress Page	[Within.] What ho, gossip Ford! What ho!

Mistress Ford	Step into th'chamber, Sir John.
												[Exit FALSTAFF.

                           Enter MISTRESS PAGE.

Mistress Page	How now, sweetheart, who's at home besides yourself?

Mistress Ford	Why, none but mine own people.

Mistress Page	Indeed?

Mistress Ford	No, certainly. [Aside to her.] Speak louder.

Mistress Page	Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.

Mistress Ford	Why?

Mistress Page	Why, woman, your husband is in his old lines again: he so 
	takes on yonder with my husband, so rails against all 
	married mankind, so curses all Eve's daughters, of what 
	complexion soever, and so buffets himself on the forehead, 
	crying, 'Peer out, peer out!' that any madness I ever yet 
	beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience, to 
	this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat knight 
	is not here.

Mistress Ford	Why, does he talk of him?

Mistress Page	Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the last 
	time he searched for him, in a basket; protests to my 
	husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and the rest of 
	their company from their sport to make another experiment 
	of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here: 
	now he shall see his own foolery.

Mistress Ford	How near is he, Mistress Page?

Mistress Page	Hard by, at street end. He will be here anon.

Mistress Ford	I am undone! The knight is here.

Mistress Page	Why, then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a dead man. 
	What a woman are you! Away with him, away with him! Better 
	shame than murder.

Mistress Ford	Which way should he go? How should I bestow him? Shall I 
	put him into the basket again?

                            Re-enter FALSTAFF.

Falstaff	No, I'll come no more i'th'basket. May I not go out ere he 
	come?

Mistress Page	Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the door with 
	pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you might 
	slip away ere he came. But what make you here?

Falstaff	What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.

Mistress Ford	There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces.

Mistress Page	Creep into the kill-hole.

Falstaff	Where is it?

Mistress Ford	He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, 
	chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the 
	remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note. 
	There is no hiding you in the house.

Falstaff	I'll go out, then.

Mistress Page	If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John; 
	unless you go out disguised.

Mistress Ford	How might we disguise him?

Mistress Page	Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's gown big 
	enough for him, otherwise he might put on a hat, a 
	muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape.

Falstaff	Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather than a 
	mischief.

Mistress Ford	My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brainford, has a gown 
	above.

Mistress Page	On my word, it will serve him. She's as big as he is; and 
	there's her thrummed hat and her muffler too. Run up, Sir 
	John.

Mistress Ford	Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will look some 
	linen for your head.

Mistress Page	Quick, quick! We'll come dress you straight; put on the 
	gown the while.
												[Exit FALSTAFF.

Mistress Ford	I would my husband would meet him in this shape. He cannot 
	abide the old woman of Brainford. He swears she's a witch, 
	forbade her my house, and hath threatened to beat her.

Mistress Page	Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel; and the devil 
	guide his cudgel afterwards!

Mistress Ford	But is my husband coming?

Mistress Page	Ay, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the basket too, 
	howsoever he hath had intelligence.

Mistress Ford	We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the 
	basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did 
	last time.

Mistress Page	Nay, but he'll be here presently; let's go dress him like 
	the witch of Brainford.

Mistress Ford	I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the 
	basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight.

Mistress Page	Hang him, dishonest varlet! We cannot misuse him enough.
	We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
	Wives may be merry and yet honest too.
	We do not act that often jest and laugh;
	'Tis old, but true: 'Still swine eats all the draff'.
												[Exit.
                          Enter JOHN and ROBERT.

Mistress Ford	Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders: your 
	master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey 
	him. Quickly, dispatch.
												[Exit.
John	Come, come, take it up.

Robert	Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.

John	I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead.

     Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS and SIR HUGH EVANS.

Ford	Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any way 
	then to unfool me again? Set down the basket, villains! 
	Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket? O you pandarly 
	rascals! There's a knot, a gin, a pack, a conspiracy 
	against me. Now shall the devil be shamed. What, wife, I 
	say! Come, come forth! Behold what honest clothes you send 
	forth to bleaching!

Page	Why, this passes! Master Ford, you are not to go loose any 
	longer; you must be pinioned.

Evans	Why, this is lunatics! This is mad as a mad dog.

Shallow	Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.

Ford	So say I too, sir.

                         Re-enter MISTRESS FORD.

	Come hither, Mistress Ford. Mistress Ford, the honest 
	woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath 
	the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect without cause, 
	mistress, do I?

Mistress Ford	Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me in any 
	dishonesty.

Ford	Well said, brazen-face, hold it out! Come forth, sirrah!
							 [Pulls the clothes out of the basket.

Page	This passes!

Mistress Ford	Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes alone.

Ford	I shall find you anon.

Evans	'Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife's clothes? 
	Come, away.

Ford	Empty the basket, I say!

Mistress Ford	Why, man, why?

Ford	Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of 
	my house yesterday in this basket: why may not he be there 
	again? In my house I am sure he is: my intelligence is 
	true, my jealousy is reasonable. Pluck me out all the 
	linen.

Mistress Ford	If you find a man there he shall die a flea's death.

Page	Here's no man.

Shallow	By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this wrongs 
	you.

Evans	Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the 
	imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.

Ford	Well, he's not here I seek for.

Page	No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
						 [Exeunt JOHN and ROBERT with the basket.

Ford	Help to search my house this one time: if I find not what 
	I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let me for ever 
	be your table-sport; let them say of me, 'As jealous as 
	Ford that searched a hollow walnut for his wife's leman'. 
	Satisfy me once more. Once more search with me.

Mistress Ford	What, ho, Mistress Page! Come you and the old woman down; 
	my husband will come into the chamber.

Ford	Old woman! What old woman's that?

Mistress Ford	Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brainford.

Ford	A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid 
	her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We are 
	simple men; we do not know what's brought to pass under 
	the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by 
	spells, by th'figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond 
	our element: we know nothing. Come down, you witch, you 
	hag, you. Come down, I say!

Mistress Ford	Nay, good, sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him not 
	strike the old woman.

         Enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, led by MISTRESS PAGE.

Mistress Page	Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand.

Ford	I'll 'prat' her.
												[Beats him.
	Out of my door you witch, you rag, you baggage, you 
	polecat, you runnion! Out, out! I'll conjure you, I'll 
	fortune-tell you.
												[Exit FALSTAFF.

Mistress Page	Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed the poor 
	woman.

Mistress Ford	Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for you!

Ford	Hang her, witch!

Evans	By yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch indeed. I like 
	not when a 'oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard 
	under his muffler.

Ford	Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow. See but 
	the issue of my jealousy; if I cry out thus upon no trail, 
	never trust me when I open again.

Page	Let's obey his humour a little further. Come gentlemen.
												[Exeunt FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW,
												CAIUS and EVANS.

Mistress Page	Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.

Mistress Ford	Nay, by the mass, that he did not: he beat him most 
	unpitifully methought.

Mistress Page	I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o'er the altar: it 
	hath done meritorious service.

Mistress Ford	What think you? May we, with the warrant of womanhood and 
	the witness of a good conscience, pursue him with any 
	further revenge?

Mistress Page	The spirit of wantonness is sure scared out of him. If the 
	devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and recovery, 
	he will never, I think, in the way of waste, attempt us 
	again.

Mistress Ford	Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?

Mistress Page	Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the figures out 
	of your husband's brains. If they can find in their hearts 
	the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further 
	afflicted, we two will still be the ministers.

Mistress Ford	I'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed; and 
	methinks there would be no period to the jest should he 
	not be publicly shamed.

Mistress Page	Come, to the forge with it, then shape it: - I would not 
	have things cool.
												[Exeunt.
