A Room in the Garter Inn.
 Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL.

Falstaff	I will not lend thee a penny.

Pistol	Why, then the world's mine oyster, which I with sword will 
	open.

Falstaff	Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my 
	countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my good friends 
	for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow Nym; or 
	else you had looked through the grate, like a geminy of 
	baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my 
	friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows; and when 
	Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon 
	mine honour thou hadst it not.

Pistol	Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?

Falstaff	Reason, you rogue, reason. Thinkest thou I'll endanger my 
	soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me; I am no 
	gibbet for you. Go; a short knife and a throng! - to your 
	manor of Pickt-hatch, go! You'll not bear a letter for me, 
	you rogue? You stand upon your honour? Why, thou 
	unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep 
	the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself sometimes, 
	leaving the fear of God on the left hand and hiding mine 
	honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and 
	to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, 
	your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and 
	your bold beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! 
	You will not do it, you?

Pistol	I do relent: what would thou more of man?

                               Enter ROBIN.

Robin	Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.

Falstaff	Let her approach.

                         Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.

Quickly	Give your worship good morrow.

Falstaff	Good morrow, goodwife.

Quickly	Not so, an't please your worship.

Falstaff	Good maid, then.

Quickly	I'll be sworn - as my mother was the first hour I was 
	born.

Falstaff	I do believe the swearer. What with me?

Quickly	Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?

Falstaff	Two thousand, fair woman, and I'll vouchsafe thee the 
	hearing.

Quickly	There is one Mistress Ford, sir - I pray, come a little 
	nearer this ways - I myself dwell with Master Doctor 
	Caius.

Falstaff	Well, on. Mistress Ford, you say. 

Quickly	Your worship says very true. I pray your worship, come a 
	little nearer this ways.

Falstaff	I warrant thee nobody hears: - mine own people, mine own 
	people.

Quickly	Are they so? God bless them, and make them his servants!

Falstaff	Well. Mistress Ford - what of her?

Quickly	Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, Lord, your 
	worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you, and all of 
	us, I pray!

Falstaff	Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford.

Quickly	Marry, this is the short and the long of it. You have 
	brought her into such a canaries as 'tis wonderful. The 
	best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, 
	could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there 
	has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their 
	coaches, I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after 
	letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly, all musk, 
	and so rustling, I warrant you, in silk and gold, and in 
	such alligant terms, and in such wine and sugar of the 
	best and the fairest, that would have won any woman's 
	heart; and, I warrant you, they could never get an eye-
	wink of her. I had myself twenty angels given me this 
	morning; but I defy all angels, in any such sort, as they 
	say, but in the way of honesty: and, I warrant you, they 
	could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the 
	proudest of them all. And yet there has been earls, nay, 
	which is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one 
	with her.

Falstaff	But what says she to me? Be brief, my good she-Mercury.

Quickly	Marry, she hath received your letter; for the which she 
	thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you to notify 
	that her husband will be absence from his house between 
	ten and eleven.

Falstaff	Ten and eleven?

Quickly	Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, 
	she says, that you wot of. Master Ford, her husband, will 
	be from home. Alas, the sweet woman leads an ill life with 
	him: he's a very jealousy man; she leads a very frampold 
	life with him, good heart.

Falstaff	Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail 
	her.

Quickly	Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your 
	worship: Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to 
	you too; and let me tell you in your ear, she's as 
	fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that 
	will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in 
	Windsor, whoe'er be the other; and she bade me tell your 
	worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she 
	hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote 
	upon a man. Surely, I think you have charms, la; yes, in 
	truth.

Falstaff	Not I, I assure thee. Setting the attraction of my good 
	parts aside, I have no other charms.

Quickly	Blessing on your heart for't!

Falstaff	But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and Page's 
	wife acquainted each other how they love me?

Quickly	That were a jest indeed! They have not so little grace, I 
	hope! That were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page would 
	desire you to send her your little page, of all loves: her 
	husband has a marvellous infection to the little page; 
	and, truly, Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in 
	Windsor leads a better life than she does; do what she 
	will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when 
	she list, rise when she list, all is as she will; and, 
	truly, she deserves it, for if there be a kind woman in 
	Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page, no 
	remedy.

Falstaff	Why, I will.

Quickly	Nay, but do so, then, and, look you, he may come and go 
	between you both; and in any case have a nay-word, that 
	you may know one another's mind, and the boy never need to 
	understand anything; for 'tis not good that children 
	should know any wickedness: old folks, you know, have 
	discretion, as they say, and know the world.

Falstaff	Fare thee well; commend me to them both. There's my purse; 
	I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with this woman.
								[Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN.
	This news distracts me.

Pistol	This punk is one of Cupid's carriers.
	Clap on more sails! Pursue! Up with your fights!
	Give fire! She is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
												[Exit.

Falstaff	Sayst thou so, old Jack? Go thy ways; I'll make more of 
	thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after 
	thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be 
	now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say 'tis 
	grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.

                    Enter BARDOLPH with a cup of sack.

Bardolph	Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fain speak 
	with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath sent your 
	worship a morning's draught of sack.

Falstaff	Brook is his name?

Bardolph	Ay, sir.

Falstaff	Call him in.
												[Exit BARDOLPH.
	Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflows such liquor. 
	Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I 
	encompassed you? Go to; via!

                  Re-enter BARDOLPH with FORD disguised.

Ford	Bless you, sir.

Falstaff	And you, sir. Would you speak with me?

Ford	I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you.

Falstaff	You're welcome. What's your will? - Give us leave, drawer.
												[Exit BARDOLPH.

Ford	Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much. My name is 
	Brook.

Falstaff	Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.

Ford	Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you, for I 
	must let you understand I think myself in better plight 
	for a lender than you are - the which hath something 
	emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion; for, they say, 
	if money go before, all ways do lie open.

Falstaff	Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.

Ford	Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me. If you 
	will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for 
	easing me of the carriage.

Falstaff	Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.

Ford	I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.

Falstaff	Speak, good Master Brook; I shall be glad to be your 
	servant.

Ford	Sir, I hear you are a scholar - I will be brief with you - 
	and you have been a man long known to me, though I had 
	never so good means as desire to make myself acquainted 
	with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must 
	very much lay open mine own imperfection; but, good Sir 
	John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear 
	them unfolded, turn another into the register of your own, 
	that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you 
	yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.

Falstaff	Very well, sir; proceed.

Ford	There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband's name is 
	Ford.

Falstaff	Well, sir.

Ford	I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed 
	much on her; followed her with a doting observance; 
	engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee'd every slight 
	occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her; 
	not only bought many presents to give her, but have given 
	largely to many to know what she would have given. 
	Briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me; which 
	hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I 
	have merited, either in my mind or in my means, meed, I am 
	sure, I have received none, unless experience be a jewel 
	that I have purchased at an infinite rate; and that hath 
	taught me to say this:
		Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;
		Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.

Falstaff	Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?

Ford	Never.

Falstaff	Have you importuned her to such a purpose?

Ford	Never.

Falstaff	Of what quality was your love, then?

Ford	Like a fair house built on another man's ground, so that I 
	have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I 
	erected it.

Falstaff	To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?

Ford	When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say 
	that though she appear honest to me, yet in other places 
	she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd 
	construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart 
	of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, 
	admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in 
	your place and person, generally allowed for your many 
	warlike, courtlike, and learned preparations.

Falstaff	O sir!

Ford	Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it, 
	spend it; spend more, spend all I have, only give me so 
	much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an amiable 
	siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife. Use your art of 
	wooing; win her to consent to you. If any man may, you may 
	as soon as any.

Falstaff	Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection 
	that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you 
	prescribe to yourself very preposterously.

Ford	O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the 
	excellency of her honour that the folly of my soul dares 
	not present itself: she is too bright to be looked 
	against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my 
	hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend 
	themselves: I could drive her then from the ward of her 
	purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand 
	other her defences which now are too too strongly 
	embattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John?

Falstaff	Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; 
	next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, 
	you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.

Ford	O good sir!

Falstaff	I say you shall.

Ford	Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.

Falstaff	Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. 
	I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own 
	appointment. Even as you came in to me, her assistant or 
	go-between, parted from me. I say I shall be with her 
	between ten and eleven, for at that time the jealous 
	rascally knave her husband will be forth. Come you to me 
	at night, you shall know how I speed.

Ford	I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir?

Falstaff	Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not. Yet I 
	wrong him to call him poor: they say the jealous wittolly 
	knave hath masses of money, for the which his wife seems 
	to me well-favoured. I will use her as the key of the 
	cuckoldly rogue's coffer; and there's my harvest-home.

Ford	I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if 
	you saw him.

Falstaff	Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him 
	out of his wits. I will awe him with my cudgel. It shall 
	hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's horns. Master Brook, 
	thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and 
	thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. 
	Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, 
	Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come 
	to me soon at night.
												[Exit.

Ford	What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready 
	to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident 
	jealousy? My wife hath sent to him, the hour is fixed, the 
	match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the 
	hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused, my 
	coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not 
	only receive this villainous wrong, but stand under the 
	adoption of abominable terms - and by him that does me 
	this wrong. Terms! Names! 'Amaimon' sounds well; 'Lucifer' 
	well; 'Barbason' well; yet they are devils' additions, the 
	names of fiends. But 'Cuckold', 'Wittol'? - 'Cuckold', the 
	devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a 
	secure ass: he will trust his wife, he will not be 
	jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, 
	Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with 
	my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling 
	gelding, than my wife with herself. Then she plots, then 
	she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in 
	their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts 
	but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy! 
	Eleven o'clock the hour: I will prevent this, detect my 
	wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will 
	about it; better three hours too soon than a minute too 
	late. Fie, fie, fie! Cuckold, cuckold, cuckold!
												[Exit.
