A Room in the Garter Inn.
 Enter FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN.

Falstaff	Mine host of the Garter!

Host	What says my bully-rook? Speak scholarly and wisely.

Falstaff	Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.

Host	Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag; trot, 
	trot.

Falstaff	I sit at ten pounds a week.

Host	Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I will 
	entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap. Said I 
	well, bully Hector?

Falstaff	Do so, good mine host.

Host	I have spoke; let him follow.
	[To BARDOLPH.] Let me see thee froth and lime. I am at a 
	word; follow.
												[Exit.

Falstaff	Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade; an old 
	cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered servingman a fresh 
	tapster. Go, adieu.

Bardolph	It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.

Pistol	O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot wield?
												[Exit BARDOLPH.

Nym	He was gotten in drink; is not the humour conceited?

Falstaff	I am glad I am so acquit of this tinder-box: his thefts 
	were too open; his filching was like an unskilful singer, 
	he kept not time.

Nym	The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest.

Pistol	'Convey', the wise it call. 'Steal'! Foh, a fico for the 
	phrase!

Falstaff	Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.

Pistol	Why then, let kibes ensue.

Falstaff	There is no remedy: I must cony-catch, I must shift.

Pistol	Young ravens must have food.

Falstaff	Which of you know Ford of this town?

Pistol	I ken the wight. He is of substance good.

Falstaff	My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.

Pistol	Two yards, and more.

Falstaff	No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two yards 
	about, but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. 
	Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's wife. I spy 
	entertainment in her: she discourses, she carves, she 
	gives the leer of invitation. I can construe the action of 
	her familiar style, and the hardest voice of her 
	behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is "I am Sir John 
	Falstaff's".

Pistol	He hath studied her well, and translated her will, out of 
	honesty, into English.

Nym	The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?

Falstaff	Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband's 
	purse; he hath a legion of angels.

Pistol	As many devils entertain; and to her, boy, say I.

Nym	The humour rises; it is good. Humour me the angels.

Falstaff	[Showing letters.] I have writ me here a letter to her; 
	and here another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good 
	eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades: 
	sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes 
	my portly belly.

Pistol	Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

Nym	I thank thee for that humour.

Falstaff	O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a greedy 
	intention that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch 
	me up like a burning-glass! Here's another letter to her; 
	she bears the purse too. She is a region in Guiana, all 
	gold and bounty. I will be 'cheaters to them both, and 
	they shall be exchequers to me: they shall be my East and 
	West Indies, and I will trade to them both.
												[Giving a letter to PISTOL.
	Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page.
												[Giving a letter to NYM.
	And thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we 
	will thrive.

Pistol	Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
	And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!
												[Returning the letter.

Nym	I will run no base humour: here, take the humour-letter. I 
	will keep the haviour of reputation.
												[Returning the letter.

Falstaff	[To ROBIN, giving him the letters.]
	Hold, sirrah. Bear you these letters tightly;
	Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
	Rogues, hence! Avaunt! Vanish like hailstones! Go!
	Trudge; plod away o'th'hoof; seek shelter, pack!
	Falstaff will learn the honour of the age:
	French thrift, you rogues - myself and skirted page.
												[Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN.

Pistol	Let vultures gripe thy guts, for gourd and fullam holds,
	And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.
	Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
	Base Phrygian Turk!

Nym	I have operations which be humours of revenge.

Pistol	Wilt thou revenge?

Nym						By welkin and her star!

Pistol	With wit or steel?

Nym							With both the humours, I.
	I will discuss the humour of this love to Ford.

Pistol	And I to Page shall eke unfold
		How Falstaff, varlet vile,
	His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
		And his soft couch defile.

Nym	My humour shall not cool: I will incense Ford to deal with 
	poison; I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt 
	of mine is dangerous. That is my true humour.

Pistol	Thou art the Mars of Malcontents: I second thee; troop on.
												[Exeunt.
