London. The Boar's Head Tavern in Eastcheap.
 Enter 1st and 2nd DRAWER.

1st Drawer	What the devil hast thou brought there? Apple-johns? Thou 
	knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.

2nd Drawer	Mass, thou sayst true. The prince once set a dish of 
	apple-johns before him, and told him there were five more 
	Sir Johns; and, putting off his hat, said "I will now take 
	my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights". 
	It angered him to the heart; but he hath forgot that.

1st Drawer	Why then, cover, and set them down, and see if thou canst 
	find out Sneak's noise. Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear 
	some music.

                            Enter 3rd DRAWER.

3rd Drawer	Dispatch! The room where they supped is too hot; they'll 
	come in straight.

1st Drawer	Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poins anon, and 
	they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons, and Sir 
	John must not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word.

3rd Drawer	By the mass, here will be old utis; it will be an 
	excellent stratagem.

2nd Drawer	I'll see if I can find out Sneak.
										[Exeunt 2nd and 3rd DRAWERS.

                    Enter HOSTESS and DOLL TEARSHEET.

Quickly	I'faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an excellent 
	good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily 
	as heart would desire, and your colour, I warrant you, is 
	as red as any rose, in good truth, la. But i'faith, you 
	have drunk too much canaries, and that's a marvellous 
	searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say 
	"What's this?" How do you now?

Doll Tearsheet	Better than I was - Hem!

Quickly	Why, that's well said! A good heart's worth gold. Lo, here 
	comes Sir John.

                             Enter FALSTAFF.

Falstaff	[Sings.]	"When Arthur first in court" - 
	[To 1st DRAWER.]	Empty the jordan.
													[Exit 1st DRAWER.
	[Sings.]	"And was a worthy king" - 
	How now, Mistress Doll?

Quickly	Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.

Falstaff	So is all her sect; and they be once in a calm they are 
	sick.

Doll Tearsheet	A pox damn you, you muddy rascal! Is that all the comfort 
	you give me?

Falstaff	You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

Doll Tearsheet	I make them? Gluttony and diseases make them; I make them 
	not.

Falstaff	If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make 
	the diseases, Doll: - we catch of you, Doll, we catch of 
	you; grant that, my poor virtue, grant that.

Doll Tearsheet	Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.

Falstaff	"Your brooches, pearls, and ouches" - for to serve bravely 
	is to come halting off, you know; to come off the breach 
	with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to 
	venture upon the charged chambers bravely - 

Doll Tearsheet	Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!

Quickly	By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never meet 
	but you fall to some discord. You are both, i' good truth, 
	as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with 
	another's confirmities. What the goodyear! - one must 
	bear, [To DOLL.] and that must be you: you are the weaker 
	vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.

Doll Tearsheet	Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? 
	There's a whole merchant's venture of Bordeaux stuff in 
	him; you have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold. 
	Come, I'll be friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to 
	the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee again or no 
	there is nobody cares.

                           Re-enter 1st DRAWER.

1st Drawer	Sir, Ensign Pistol's below, and would speak with you.

Doll Tearsheet	Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither. It 
	is the foul-mouthed'st rogue in England.

Quickly	If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith! I 
	must live among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers. I am in 
	good name and fame with the very best. Shut the door; 
	there comes no swaggerers here. I have not lived all this 
	while to have swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.

Falstaff	Dost thou hear, hostess?

Quickly	Pray ye pacify yourself, Sir John; there comes no 
	swaggerers here.

Falstaff	Dost thou hear? It is mine ensign.

Quickly	Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me; your ensign 
	swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master 
	Tisick the deputy t'other day, and, as he said to me - 
	'twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, i'good faith - 
	"Neighbour Quickly," says he - Master Dumb our minister 
	was by then - "Neighbour Quickly," says he "receive those 
	that are civil, for" said he "you are in an ill name". Now 
	a' said so, I can tell whereupon. "For" says he "you are 
	an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore take heed 
	what guests you receive. Receive" says he "no swaggering 
	companions." There comes none here. You would bless you to 
	hear what he said. No, I'll no swaggerers.

Falstaff	He's no swaggerer, hostess - a tame cheater, i'faith; you 
	may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He'll not 
	swagger with a Barbary hen if her feathers turn back in 
	any show of resistance. Call him up, drawer.
													[Exit 1st DRAWER.

Quickly	Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, 
	nor no cheater; but I do not love swaggering, by my troth, 
	I am the worse when one says 'swagger'. Feel, masters, how 
	I shake; look you, I warrant you.

Doll Tearsheet	So you do, hostess.

Quickly	Do I? Yea, in very truth do I, and 'twere an aspen leaf. I 
	cannot abide swaggerers.

                 Enter Ensign PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and PAGE.

Pistol	God save you, Sir John!

Falstaff	Welcome, Ensign Pistol! Here, Pistol, I charge you with a 
	cup of sack; do you discharge upon mine hostess.

Pistol	I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.

Falstaff	She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall not hardly offend her.

Quickly	Come, I'll drink no proofs, nor no bullets. I'll drink no 
	more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I.

Pistol	Then to you, Mistress Dorothy! I will charge you.

Doll Tearsheet	Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion. What, you poor, 
	base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you 
	mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master.

Pistol	I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

Doll Tearsheet	Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung, away!
	[Snatching a knife.] By this wine, I'll thrust my knife in 
	your mouldy chaps and you play the saucy cuttle with me. 
	Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you basket-hilt stale 
	juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God's light, 
	with two points on your shoulder? Much!

Pistol	[Drawing.] God let me not live but I will murder your ruff 
	for this.

Falstaff	No more, Pistol! I would not have you go off here. 
	Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

Quickly	No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet captain.

Doll Tearsheet	Captain? Thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not 
	ashamed to be called captain? And captains were of my 
	mind, they would truncheon you out for taking their names 
	upon you before you have earned them. You a captain, you 
	slave? For what? For tearing a poor whore's ruff in a 
	bawdy-house? He a captain? Hang him, rogue! He lives upon 
	mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain? God's 
	light, these villains will make the word as odious as the 
	word 'occupy', which was an excellent good word before it 
	was ill sorted. Therefore captains had need look to't.

Bardolph	Pray thee go down, good ensign.

Falstaff	Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
													[He whispers to DOLL.

Pistol	Not I! I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear 
	her! I'll be revenged of her.

Page	Pray thee go down.

Pistol	I'll see her damned first! - to Pluto's damnd lake, by 
	this hand, to th' infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures 
	vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! 
	Down, faitors! Have we not Hiren here?

Quickly	Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i'faith. I 
	beseek you now, aggravate your choler.

Pistol	These be good humours indeed! Shall pack-horses,
	And hollow pampered jades of Asia,
	Which cannot go but thirty mile a day,
	Compare with Caesars and with Cannibals,
	And Trojan Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with
	King Cerberus, and let the welkin roar!
	Shall we fall foul for toys?

Quickly	By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.

Bardolph	Be gone, good ensign; this will grow to a brawl anon.

Pistol	Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have we not 
	Hiren here?

Quickly	O' my word, captain, there's none such here. What the 
	goodyear, do you think I would deny her? For God's sake be 
	quiet!

Pistol	Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
	Come, give's some sack.
	Si fortune me tormente sperato me contento.
	Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire.
	Give me some sack; and, sweetheart, lie thou there.
													[Laying down his sword.
	Come we to full points here, and are etceteras nothings?

Falstaff	Pistol, I would be quiet.

Pistol	Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What, we have seen the 
	seven stars.

Doll Tearsheet	For God's sake, thrust him downstairs; I cannot endure 
	such a fustian rascal.

Pistol	Thrust him downstairs! Know we not Galloway nags?

Falstaff	Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling. 
	Nay, and a' do nothing but speak nothing, a' shall be 
	nothing here.

Bardolph	Come, get you downstairs.

Pistol	What, shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue?
													[Snatching up his sword.
	Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!
	Why then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
	Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!

Quickly	Here's goodly stuff toward!

Falstaff	Give me my rapier, boy.

Doll Tearsheet	I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee do not draw.

Falstaff	[Drawing.] Get you downstairs.
												[BARDOLPH draws on PISTOL.

Quickly	Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping house afore 
	I'll be in these tirrits and frights.
										[FALSTAFF thrusts at PISTOL.
	So! Murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas, put up your naked 
	weapons, put up your naked weapons!
								[Exit BARDOLPH, driving PISTOL out.

Doll Tearsheet	I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone. Ah, you 
	whoreson little valiant villain, you!

Quickly	Are you not hurt i'th' groin? Methought a' made a shrewd 
	thrust at your belly.

                            Re-enter BARDOLPH.

Falstaff	Have you turned him out a-doors?

Bardolph	Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk. You have hurt him, sir, 
	i'th' shoulder.

Falstaff	A rascal, to brave me!

Doll Tearsheet	Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape, how thou 
	sweat'st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you 
	whoreson chops! Ah, rogue, i'faith, I love thee. Thou art 
	as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, 
	and ten times better than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!

Falstaff	A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.

Doll Tearsheet	Do, and thou dar'st for thy heart. And thou dost, I'll 
	canvass thee between a pair of sheets.

                             Enter MUSICIANS.

Page	The music is come, sir.

Falstaff	Let them play. Play, sirs.
													[Music.
	Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascal bragging slave! The rogue 
	fled from me like quicksilver.

Doll Tearsheet	I'faith, and thou followed'st him like a church. Thou 
	whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou 
	leave fighting a-days and foining a-nights, and begin to 
	patch up thine old body for heaven?

        Enter, behind, the PRINCE and POINS disguised as drawers.

Falstaff	Peace, good Doll, do not speak like a death's-head. Do not 
	bid me remember mine end.

Doll Tearsheet	Sirrah, what humour's the prince of?

Falstaff	A good shallow young fellow. A' would have made a good 
	pantler; a' would ha' chipped bread well.

Doll Tearsheet	They say Poins has a good wit.

Falstaff	He a good wit? Hang him, baboon! His wit's as thick as 
	Tewkesbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him than is 
	in a mallet.

Doll Tearsheet	Why does the prince love him so, then?

Falstaff	Because their legs are both of a bigness, and a' plays at 
	quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off 
	candles' ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild mare 
	with the boys, and jumps upon joint-stools, and swears 
	with a good grace, and wears his boots very smooth like 
	unto the sign of the leg, and breeds no bate with telling 
	of discreet stories, and such other gambol faculties a' 
	has that show a weak mind and an able body, for the which 
	the prince admits him; for the prince himself is such 
	another: the weight of a hair will turn the scales between 
	their avoirdupois.

Prince Henry	[Aside to POINS.] Would not this nave of a wheel have his 
	ears cut off?

Poins	[Aside to PRINCE.] Let's beat him before his whore.

Prince Henry	[Aside to POINS.] Look whe'er the withered elder hath not 
	his poll clawed like a parrot.

Poins	[Aside to PRINCE.] Is it not strange that desire should so 
	many years outlive performance?

Falstaff	Kiss me, Doll.

Prince Henry	[Aside to POINS.] Saturn and Venus this year in 
	conjunction! What says th' almanac to that?

Poins	[Aside to PRINCE.] And look whether the fiery Trigon his 
	man be not lisping to his master's old tables, his 
	notebook, his counsel-keeper.

Falstaff	Thou dost give me flattering busses.

Doll Tearsheet	By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.

Falstaff	I am old, I am old.

Doll Tearsheet	I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of 
	them all.

Falstaff	What stuff wilt thou have a kirtle of? I shall receive 
	money a-Thursday; shalt have a cap tomorrow. A merry song! 
	Come, it grows late; we'll to bed. Thou'lt forget me when 
	I am gone.

Doll Tearsheet	By my troth, thou'lt set me a-weeping and thou sayst so. 
	Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return - 
	well, hearken a'th' end.

Falstaff	Some sack, Francis.

Prince Henry &
Poins	[Advancing.] Anon, anon, sir.

Falstaff	Ha, a bastard son of the king's? And art not thou Poins 
	his brother?

Prince Henry	Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost 
	thou lead!

Falstaff	A better than thou: I am a gentleman, thou art a drawer.

Prince Henry	Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears.

Quickly	O the Lord preserve thy grace! By my troth, welcome to 
	London. Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine! O 
	Jesu, are you come from Wales?

Falstaff	Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light flesh 
	and corrupt blood, [Indicating DOLL.] thou art welcome.

Doll Tearsheet	How, you fat fool! I scorn you.

Poins	My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turn 
	all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.

Prince Henry	You whoreson candle-mine you, how vilely did you speak of 
	me even now, before this honest, virtuous, civil 
	gentlewoman!

Quickly	God's blessing of your good heart! - and so she is, by my 
	troth.

Falstaff	Didst thou hear me?

Prince Henry	Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by 
	Gad's Hill; you knew I was at your back, and spoke it on 
	purpose to try my patience.

Falstaff	No, no, no, not so; I did not think thou wast within 
	hearing.

Prince Henry	I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse, and 
	then I know how to handle you.

Falstaff	No abuse, Hal, a'mine honour, no abuse.

Prince Henry	Not? To dispraise me, and call me pantler and bread-
	chipper and I know not what?

Falstaff	No abuse, Hal.

Poins	No abuse!

Falstaff	No abuse, Ned, i'th' world, honest Ned, none. I dispraised 
	him before the wicked that the wicked might not fall in 
	love with him; [To PRINCE HENRY.] in which doing, I have 
	done the part of a careful friend and a true subject, and 
	thy father is to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal; 
	none, Ned, none; no, faith, boys, none.

Prince Henry	See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not 
	make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with 
	us. Is she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the 
	wicked? Or is thy boy of the wicked? Or honest Bardolph, 
	whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked?

Poins	Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

Falstaff	The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable, and 
	his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth nothing 
	but roast maltworms. For the boy, there is a good angel 
	about him; but the devil outbids him too.

Prince Henry	For the women?

Falstaff	For one of them, she's in hell already, and burns poor 
	souls; for th' other, I owe her money, and whether she be 
	damned for that I know not.

Quickly	No, I warrant you.

Falstaff	No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for that. 
	Marry, there is another indictment upon thee, for 
	suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the 
	law, for the which I think thou wilt howl.

Quickly	All victuallers do so. What's a joint of mutton or two in 
	a whole Lent?

Prince Henry	You, gentlewoman - 

Doll Tearsheet	What says your grace?

Falstaff	His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.
													[PETO knocks at the door.

Quickly	Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th' door there, 
	Francis.

                               Enter PETO.

Prince Henry	Peto, how now, what news?

Peto	The king your father is at Westminster,
	And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
	Come from the north; and as I came along
	I met and overtook a dozen captains,
	Bareheaded, sweating, knocking at the taverns,
	And asking everyone for Sir John Falstaff.

Prince Henry	By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame,
	So idly to profane the precious time
	When tempest of commotion, like the south
	Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt
	And drop upon our bare unarmd heads.
	Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.
									[Exeunt PRINCE, POINS, and PETO.

Falstaff	Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we must 
	hence and leave it unpicked.
									[Knocking within. Exit BARDOLPH.
	More knocking at the door?

                            Re-enter BARDOLPH.

	How now! What's the matter?

Bardolph	You must away to court, sir, presently.
	A dozen captains stay at door for you.

Falstaff	[To PAGE.] Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell, hostess; 
	farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of merit 
	are sought after: the undeserver may sleep, when the man 
	of action is called on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be 
	not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go.

Doll Tearsheet	I cannot speak; if my heart be not ready to burst .... 
	Well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

Falstaff	Farewell, farewell.
							[Exeunt FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH and PAGE.

Quickly	Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these twenty-nine 
	years come peascod-time, but an honester and truer-hearted 
	man .... well, fare thee well.

Bardolph	[Calling within.] Mistress Tearsheet!

Quickly	What's the matter?

Bardolph	[Calling.] Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.

Quickly	O run, Doll, run; run, good Doll. Come! [Calling.] She 
	comes blubbered. - Yea, will you come, Doll.
													[Exeunt.
